The stockings were hung by the chimney with care… except mine was empty again. Funny how that’s become a metaphor for this marriage – me pouring love into everyone else’s life while mine stays hollow until I speak up. Only then does he rush out for last-minute chocolate, like an afterthought. Because that’s what I’ve become – an afterthought in my own life.
Here I am, surrounded by Christmas lights and holiday cheer, feeling like I’m acting in some fucked-up play where my husband’s suddenly decided to be the perfect spouse. He’s massaging my feet – something he hasn’t done in years – acting like everything’s normal. Like, I haven’t filed for divorce. Like he hasn’t spent years making me feel worthless, the cognitive dissonance is enough to make my head spin.
You see, this is the mindfuck of leaving a narcissist during the holidays. They turn up the charm, sprinkle those breadcrumbs of affection they’ve been withholding, making you question everything. Making you wonder if maybe you’re the crazy one. Maybe things aren’t that bad.
But then I remember.
I remember why I filed those papers. I remember the line he crossed – the one I won’t write about here, but the one that finally shattered any illusion of love I had left. I remember all the nights I cried myself to sleep, all the times he chose video games over connection, all the moments he made me feel like a burden for simply asking for help.
The other night, while wrapping presents, he got pissed because I only wrote “From Mom” on the tags. “That’s not fair,” he said. “You always put ‘From Mom and Dad.'” And you know what? For a moment, that angel on my shoulder won. I added his name, not because he deserved it, but because Christmas isn’t about keeping score. It’s about joy – and my kids deserve that joy untainted.
But here’s the truth bomb I’m dropping for anyone who needs to hear it: A marriage isn’t a marriage when only one person is doing the work. When only one person is sacrificing. When only one person is trying to keep the love alive while the other treats them like a convenience.
He goes to work, comes home to a hot meal and kids’ love, then disappears into his TV shows and video games. Meanwhile, I’m juggling everything else, and God forbid I ask for help – suddenly, I’m a burden, incapable, needy.
This holiday season has cracked me open in ways I wasn’t expecting. Maybe it’s because Christmas was my mom’s favorite holiday, and her absence has made me realize just how strong I really am. Or maybe it’s because pretending everything’s okay while planning my escape is the hardest role I’ve ever had to play.
But you know what? I’m done pretending.
I’m done accepting breadcrumbs when I deserve the whole damn bakery. I’m done being an afterthought in my own life. I’m done sacrificing my happiness for someone who wouldn’t even fill my stocking without being reminded.
To all my sisters out there navigating this same heartbreaking terrain – I see you. I know how hard it is to maintain holiday magic for your kids while your heart is breaking. I know how confusing it is when they suddenly become the partner you’ve been begging them to be right when you’re ready to leave.
Don’t fall for it. Trust your gut. Remember why you started this journey.
As we step into 2025, I’m not afraid anymore. I don’t have to know exactly how everything will work out – I just know that it will. I’m asking, believing, and receiving. And most importantly, I’m letting go of everything that no longer serves me.
Just think – if I could love the wrong one this much for this long, imagine how amazing it will be when the right one shows up.
But for now? I’m focusing on the most important love story of all – the one with myself. Because that’s a story that deserves a happy ending.
Here’s to new beginnings, empty stockings getting filled with self-love, and the courage to choose ourselves – even when it hurts like hell.
With love and strength,
Sheena
Life Coach & Fellow Warrior
P.S. To every woman reading this who’s spending the holidays planning her escape – you’re not alone. You’re not crazy. And you’re stronger than you know. 2025 is waiting for us, loves.
Let’s go get it.